Tears and Fears and the Providence of God

I am spending this Sunday afternoon alone. Dennis is driving Zachary and his two older brothers back home. His brothers were here visiting their family in the area and so it served the purpose well that Dennis drive them all back together. That is a trip of two hours one way. I stayed behind because I needed to complete laundry and begin packing for this week’s training. And also because I’ve been on the verge of tears all weekend. I think I’m sitting on my Pity Pot. I just need to remember to flush… 

Dennis and I recently committed to going on The Walk to Emmaus. The Walk to Emmaus is a spiritual renewal program intended to strengthen the local church through the development of Christian disciples and leaders. The program's approach seriously considers the model of Christ's servanthood and encourages Christ's disciples to act in ways appropriate to being "a servant of all." 

Our event is scheduled in latter March. Honestly, it appears as if everything is and has been conspiring against us in this endeavor. We’ve been asked for a number of years to participate, but we always found a reason (read excuse here) not to. However, with recent family turmoil and events we felt it was time. Time to step out in faith and perhaps to receive a “word” from the Lord on what direction we are to take and what definitive steps we are to follow.

After determining to attend this event, we went to see a move called “The Way.” The Way is a powerful and inspirational story about family, friends, and the challenges we face while navigating this ever-changing and complicated world. Martin Sheen plays Tom, an American doctor who comes to St. Jean Pied de Port, France to collect the remains of his adult son (played by Emilio Estevez), killed in the Pyrenees in a storm while walking the Camino de Santiago, also known as The Way of Saint James. Rather than return home, Tom decides to embark on the historical pilgrimage to honor his son's desire to finish the journey. What Tom doesn't plan on is the profound impact the journey will have on him and his life. Through Tom's unresolved relationship with his son, he discovers the difference between "the life we live and the life we choose."

THE WAY was written and directed by Emilio Estevez and was filmed entirely in Spain and France along the actual Camino de Santiago. The scenes are breathtaking.

I heartily recommend the movie and it’s a three tissue event. Frankly, I needed a good cry. It was also a confirmation to me that indeed, we were to attend The Walk to Emmaus – another spiritual pilgrimage of sorts.

I probably won't be updating until I return from training, so have a wonderful week.

Luke 24:32New American Standard Version
 

They said to one another, “Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?”

Tamara

Weekend Events

This coming week entails traveling to Phoenix for training. The plan is to leave on Tuesday, the 31^st and the training will last until Friday, the 3^rd. Four of us will be traveling and staying in the same motel.   

I’ve printed out all the training materials and policies and feel as if I’ve killed at least an entire tree. All this to become an Equal Employment Opportunity Liaison for those staff who may have a complaint or questions regarding the law and our agency policies that govern said behavior or misbehavior.

But for now, I have the weekend. A long weekend as I took Friday off. Dennis and I traveled to Tucson for dental appointments. I had a very good exam and cleaning and it appears the investment in the sonic toothbrush has paid off! Minimal buildup and scaling! At least that’s how it worked out for me. Dennis’ appointment wasn’t quite as good. He has some serious decisions to make regarding his dental care.

We took the ‘long way’ home and stopped to pick up our grandson Zachary for the weekend. I was up early this morning cleaning veggies and fruit for the weekend. He already told his Gam’Pa he wants dippy eggs for breakfast with toast AND waffles AND bacon! In our home, Dennis is the breakfast maker.

I’m planning on making my homemade mac and cheese only it will be more like noodles Alfredo with some broccoli thrown in for good measure. I’m not sure if I want to begin the brownies now our wait for Zachary to wake up and help – decisions, decisions. I will prepare the homemade ice cream mix – it’s always good to have that ready to go in the refrigerator.

I have all the blueberries, red grapes, broccoli, cauliflower, celery and carrots cleaned and ready to go. My hands are prune-y from being water logged, but that’s a small price to pay for eating well and fixing things I know he likes to eat at Gam’Ma’s.

Dennis has made an appointment to visit our son in jail this afternoon. I will not be going nor do I wish for Zachary to see his father like that. Remember, I work in prison and it is and has always been difficult for me to see the small children who come to visit their parents in this environment.

Zachary said a few things yesterday that were difficult to hear and it showed the level of hurt and anger this little four year old is feeling. His mom shared that he told her that his dad is dead and then he (and she) cried and cried about it. His mom said he’s begun sucking his thumb again, has even wet the bed and is angry all the time. I talked to his mom about finding some counseling for him, but she is without insurance and they live in such a rural area I don’t know if it will be possible. Zachary told us on the way home that, “My Dad broke my Mom’s heart.” I wanted to cry…

I don’t understand how this generation cannot think through the consequences of their actions or of the innocents they leave in their wake.

In the meantime, Dennis and I will be loving and hugging on Zachary. We will reassure him that he is loved by us, by his mother and by his father and most assuredly by God.

Proverbs 31:9

New American Standard Bible

⁹ Open your mouth, judge righteously,
and defend the rights of the afflicted and needy.

Tamara

THE BIG 6-0

¸.•°˚ˆ*♥∗¸¸.• N::I::F::T::Y •♥• N::I::F::T::Y •♥•  A::L::M::O::S::T •♥•  S::I::X::T::Y •¸¸.∗♥*ˆ˚°•.¸

I recall the funk and depression I went through on my 30th birthday. I don’t know why. Some preconceived and misguided conception on my part, I’m sure. Recently I began feeling that way again on this, the advent of my 60th birthday.

So, I started thinking, “What do I want to do, specifically, to herald this milestone?”

1. Go on a cruise?
2. Rent a Limo and take friends on a tour of the local vineyards?
3. Shop until I drop?
4. Make reservations at a fine restaurant?
5. Make a trip to Ohio to visit my beautiful daughter?

All of the above (with exception to visiting my daughter) left me rather… well, unsettled.

Although I’d love to visit my daughter - not Ohio in the dead of winter! Sorry, Baby Cakes, I just can’t do the extreme winters anymore!

So again the question – what to do? How do I want to celebrate my BIG 6-0? I began to think about mortality and how would I like to be eventually be remembered. That’s when the idea began to form. Who says birthdays have to be about us?

I recalled reading a story about a little boy’s birthday party that was a bit different. He asked all his invited guests to bring items to fill a shoebox for the Operation Christmas Child by Samaritan’s Purse. He provided plastic containers for all the guests and the party goers assembled the shoe boxes. Then he and his family delivered the items to a local distribution center.

“…and a child shall lead them”

So, for my birthday week, I created a public event on Facebook asking persons to honor my 60th birthday by donating a canned good (or similar item) to be delivered to My Neighbor’s Panty (my church’s food bank). It can be dropped off at my house or take it yourself. If you are not from the area, then your local food bank would be wonderful. Truly, I believe no child in this country should go to bed hungry.

A number of friends from Ohio are donating to their local food banks. One dear friend told me of her church’s daycare where a single mom and her daughter are just barely making it. Every Thursday she anonymously provides her with enough groceries and snacks for them for over the weekend. You know who you are, and you have touched my heart so deeply!

A former classmate and dear friend who resides in Pennsylvania is donating food to a central food bank where her son serves in their day program. Hugs to you, my friend!

So very many comments and a number have said they will be doing something similar for their birthday! How wonderful is that?

I think there maybe the potential for this type of event to catch on for others. Even those of you reading this blog, if you’re so inclined – donate to a local food bank. It is after the holidays and this is a difficult time for them after having provided for so many during the holiday season.

Again I say, no child in this country should ever have to go to bed hungry.

Matthew 25:35-40

New American Standard Bible

For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;  naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.’ Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You, or thirsty, and give You something to drink? And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in, or naked, and clothe You? When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’ The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’

Tamara

Comfort Food

When I was a child, we had a garden. There were things that grew in that garden that I would not eat. Cabbage, Brussel Sprouts, spinach, broccoli. I did eat the corn, the tomatoes, green beans my Nanny fixed with a bit of bacon.

I sometimes would help my Dad in the garden. When he planted, he always did it in three's: "one for you, one for me and one for the bird" is what he said. I now refer that as Dad's Trinity Planting Procedure.

I remember being called out in the cold autumn evening when a frost alert was declared and I would help harvest the tomatoes and other produce by flash light. It was not uncommon to end up with tomatoe on my face as Dad was fond of pulling them off and into me! Horrors! 

Within the next day or two my Nanny would cook up a grand pot of homemade vegetable soup. As I recall, everything but the beef in that soup was from our small urban garden.

I've developed new tastes since then and where I once referred to Brussel Sprouts as aborted cabbage, if only to emphasize my distaste for them I now have a deep and abiding fondness for them.

So tonight, I become the Brussel Sprout Gourmet - if only for the sake of my Daughter! Shannon, this post is for you and it is on how to fix Mommie Dearest's Brussel Sprouts!

Clean your Brussel Sprouts by immersing them in water. Trim the ends off then cut them in half. Allow them to soak for a while. Clean, slice and dice an onion. You can do all this while cooking up three slices of bacon you have diced. When the bacon crips, remove it to a plate lined with paper towel and let it drain.

Add the onion to the drippings and in another pan, sauté 2 - 3 tablespoons of Piñons (raw pine nuts). [I keep mine frozen as they turn rancid fast. They are also good raw on a salad!] Drain the Brussel Sprouts and keep watching the onion - you don't want it to burn! When the Piñons have turned a golden color, remove and drain them on paper towel, too.

 

Once the onions are "just right" add the Brussel Sprouts to the pan and stir well, add about 1/2 cup of Chicken Stock and a splash or two of Basalmic Vinegar. When it comes to just a boil, reduce the heat and cover with a lid and cook it for about 8 minutes. 

Remove it from the heat, put it into a serving dish and top with the bacon bits and Piñons and serve it up!


These are probably not the healthiest of veggie dishes, but they are perfectly "YUM"!

Psalm 34:8

Common English Bible

⁸ Taste and see

how good the LORD is!

The one who takes refuge in him

is truly happy!

Happy eating Baby Girl!

Your Momma - Grammy Tammy!

Comfort Ye

One of our society’s newest clichés is, “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”  I don’t believe this. We have only to ask… 

• the survivor of a concentration camp
• the parent who has made funeral arrangements for a child
• the battered and abused child / woman / person
• the burn victim with horrible disfigurement
• the veteran who has returned home, yet suffers with post traumatic stress disorder
• the homeless person
• the survivor of a natural disaster
• the stay-at-home mother whose husband has walked out on her and their small children
• the husband who returns from work to find his wife has walked out on him and their children
• the person who has suffered atrocities due to conflict and war
• the family members of an addict 

Life is painful. We may survive. In some cases we may even thrive. But often there is brokenness left in the wake of personal disaster.  Today I  find comfort in the Psalms. 

Psalm 34:18
Common English Bible

18 The LORD is close
to the brokenhearted;
he saves those whose spirits
 are crushed.

Psalm 51:17
Common English Bible 

17 A broken spirit is my sacrifice, God.
You won’t despise a heart, God,
that is broken and crushed.

Psalm 147:3
Common English Bible 

3 God heals the brokenhearted
and bandages their wounds

Tamara

Slow Dancing

Have you ever noticed that as you hold a baby, you instinctively started to sway?  It’s a slow dance of sorts, one in which we sway to the rhythm of love.  This sway happens with babies because it calms, soothes and comforts them.  It is an instinctive move, built into the very core of our being. 

I wonder how many times in a given day God would like to rush down, snatch us up, and sway with us to the rhythm of His heart, of His love.  How often would God like to break through all the other voices and noises in our lives to reassure us that we’re OK?  We’re going to make it.  We’re loved.  We’re cared for.  We’re not alone…  

I’ve noticed this same swaying rhythmic dance when I’m hurting – either an actual physical hurt or an emotional hurt.  Tears can be streaming down my face and I am rocking, rocking, rocking…  My conversations with God at times like this are more of a rant rather than a prayer.   

Whether you feel, or think, or believe you are not worthy of God’s love doesn’t matter.  You can’t change His love.  You are the beloved of God.  Nothing you do, say, or choose can change God’s love.  Nothing — not time, not death, not life, not culture, evil, good — can change who you are.  You are the beloved of God.  

We can try to fill our lives with other loves, other ‘things’, and worldly distractions but it is as St. Augustine said, our hearts are restless until they rest in God.  We will always be out of step, out of sway, until we know and live as people who are truly loved by God. 

It’s been a rather difficult several weeks for our family, for our extended family.  We are hurting.  We are hurting for the poor choices that have been made. For the all too familiar past that has been repeated and for the consequences that have inevitably followed.  Our son is in jail.  This is due to his poor choices, his lies, his behavior and his lack of discipline.  He has lost his job and his family. 

For half his life, he has been defiant and has had run-ins with the law.  He's an addict and Meth is his drug of choice.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am trying to find within my being the capacity for forgiveness… yet again.  My biggest concern is the children he is leaving in his wake. 

I struggle with how transparent I wish or want to be with this blog.  How much should I or will I share.  I do not wish to come across as Saint Tamara the Pious because I struggle with the day-to-day issues.  I struggle with the hurts of having a rebellious son who just seems to be caught up in a Peter Pan syndrome and refuses to grow up. 

Yet try as I might, I have difficulty realizing the choices he makes are just that – his choices and his decisions.  Inevitably they will be his regrets.  For now, I have to back away from this situation.  That sounds cold, doesn’t it? 

So my prayer for now, for today is that the God of all comfort will envelope me, my husband, our son and those he has left in his wake and sway with us in the rhythm of His love.

Did you notice the new background design - a quilt.  A "comforter"... comfort from the Comforter.  I so need to be surrounded and wrapped in His love, His grace, and His comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3
Common English Bible

3 May the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ be blessed! He is the compassionate Father and God of all comfort.

Happy New Year - 2012

News worthy events of 2011:

• Japan earthquake and tsunami
• Royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton
• Death of Osama bin Laden
• Oprah Winfrey Show ends
• The Space Shuttle Program comes to an end
• Occupy Wall Street
• Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, dies at age 56
• Libyan Leader Gaddhafi captured and killed
• War in Iraq comes to an end
• Death of Kim Jong Il
• Casey Anthony exonerated in daughter’s murder trial
• Conrad Murray found guilty in Michael Jackson death trial
• The World Economy

Some in this list were astounding and others not so much. Honestly, the Oprah Winfrey show ending didn’t affect me at all.  Prince William and Kate’s wedding was a wonderful distraction from the everyday hum-drum with all of its pomp and royal aire.  I still shudder when recalling the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  The trials that are mentioned were surprising in one instance and not so in the other.   

It was a year of contrasts involving natural disasters, wars, deaths and murders and what the media deemed important enough to share with us.  It all seems so negative in nature with exception to the Royal Wedding.  It so reminds me of King Solomon’s words: 

Ecclesiastes 3

New American Standard Bible

¹ There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

² A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
³ A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
⁴ A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
⁵ A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
⁶ A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
⁷ A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
⁸ A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What profit is there to the worker from that in which he toils? ¹⁰ I have seen the task which God has given the sons of men with which to occupy themselves.

My prayer for 2012:

Psalm 122 vs. 6 – 9 (NIV)

⁶ Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
“May they prosper who love you.
⁷ “May peace be within your walls,
And prosperity within your palaces.”
⁸ For the sake of my brothers and my friends,
I will now say, “May peace be within you.”
⁹ For the sake of the house of the LORD our God,
I will seek your good.

Happy New Year! 

Tamara