Today’s blog title is where I find myself… living life somewhere between estrogen and death. Perhaps it would be better said ‘trying to live life’. As morose as that may sound, it’s not such a bad place to be but for right now, for this place in time it is quite trying.
I've never been the one who at class reunions says, “Oh, if only I could go back! Those were the best times of my life.” Those were difficult times. Times full of growth and of pain. Standing as it were before the fork in the road trying to determine which road to choose.
Regrets? Yes, I've had regrets. Pain? Yes, that too. As I ponder the events since the first of the year, I wonder what God’s purpose is in all this.
- Our son’s poor choices and being incarcerated… again. My decision to not visit him in jail or to allow him to come here to live.
- I've been ill since a week ago Thursday and running a low grade fever. When I have the fever I also have a headache and it is just debilitating. I see the doctor again today.
- Then there was Zachary’s accident on Sunday his broken leg and extensive hospital stay. I would gladly take this from him if it were somehow possible.
God, do you hear me? My prayers feel as if they are only reaching the ceiling. Please… Abba, reach down through the garbled mess and pull them up to Your ears. The silence is deafening. And I begin to question. And I begin to feel the downward spiral of depression. It is not a place I want to go.
Then I remember… I remember the Amy Grant song, Arms of Love. So, for today, that is my prayer.
Lord I'm really glad You're here.
I hope you feel the same when You see all my fear,
And how I fail,
I fall sometimes.
It's hard to walk on shifting sand.
I miss the rock, and find there's nowhere left to stand;
I start to cry.
Lord, please help me raise my hands so You can pick me up.
Hold me close,
Hold me tighter.
I have found a place where I can hide.
It's safe inside
Your arms of love.
Like a child who's helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm
In Your arms of love.
Storms will come and storms will go.
Wonder just how many storms it takes until
I finally know
You're here always.
Even when my skies are far from gray,
I can stay;
Teach me to stay there,
In the place I've found where I can hide.
It's safe inside
Your arms of love.
Like a child who's helped throughout a storm,
You keep me warm
In Your arms of love.
Even so… AMEN!
Tamara
Oh, Tamara, such a dark place to be. I'm so sorry for all your burdens. I will be praying for a lightening of your load, for endurance, for hope, and for a Blessed safe haven for you.
ReplyDeleteI've been to a few dark places myself, a real poverty of the soul, and it's a pit that is so hard to climb out of. I pray you are lifted.
I don't know what God's Plan for you on this journey is, but I pray that whatever His Plan, you feel His Guidance every step of the way.
Love and Prayers,
Eileen
Eileen, thank you for your kind words, especially "I don't know what God's Plan for you on this journey is, but I pray that whatever His Plan, you feel His Guidance every step of the way."
DeleteSometimes the darkness of the place helps us to appreciate the "light" more fully.
I so understand how you are feeling Tamara. First off, there is a nasty sinus virus going around. I have it and just about everyone I've run into as well. My Dr. put me antibiotics and the headaches were horrible!
ReplyDeleteThe next thing I want to say is that I think you are doing the right thing with your son but still I can only imagine how difficult and painful as a mother this must be for you. That takes great strength and sometimes that is very necessary!
I pray that God reaches to you with more strength in his hands.
I also pray that little Zachary heals quickly. He is very young, that he has on his side.
You know things will get better. It's the ebb and flow of life.
My prayers are with you and a giant hug as well, Love Di ♥
Oh Di, It's been some ride since the first of the year - and I don't care for rodeos!
DeleteZachary was released from the hospital yesterday afternoon and yes, youth is on his side for the healing process. We hope to travel there to see him this weekend.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that things will get better. I also know that I am not the only person hurting and going through 'situations'. It's just all of this is still to fresh and so raw. I just want to come out 'better' and not 'bitter' from this experience.
Thank you for your words and your prayers.