Sometimes I find a room, close the door and weep. I weep for my failures, my shortcomings, my sins – yeah, that’s plural. I weep for the sins of commission and for the sins of omission. I long to be a better Christian, to be filled with the Holy Spirit and to be able to discern when someone other than me is hurting. Then to be able to comfort and ease the pain through what I have experienced and lived in my own life.
Life isn't always pretty, in fact it can be downright ugly. Even in the realm of Christian community. We see ugliness, hurt, death, disease and broken families. When will we be able to pour the oil and anoint the heads of those the walking wounded? When will we see past our politics and differences and come together for the sake of Christ and for community?
When will we be able to live in the light of Eucharist Theology – knowing that our hearts, like the bread, are broken. When will we pour out ourselves like the wine? Oh Lord, break my chalice, my jar of clay – and allow the wine to flow out and touch all it comes into contact with.
Then heal the broken vessel in the manner of Kintsugi – the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with lacquer and gold dust, thereby making a perfectly imperfect piece of beauty. Yes…broken, yet healed and beautiful in the eyes of God. The repaired vessels are indeed more beautiful, more compassionate and also stronger than before they were broken.
I long to be healed of my infirmities, but to claim with boldness the quote from Sara Miles' book Jesus Freak: Feeding Healing Raising the Dead which reads, “Prayer is one of the deepest forms of relationship with God…and through relationship there can be healing in the absence of cure.”
I want to know that my life has mattered, that for the sake of Christ it will count. That this new stage of life I am entering…no embracing…will count for the sake of eternity.
I need to garner strength for the coming battle and find my inner warrior. Somehow in my mind’s eye I see a woman warrior not unlike St. Joan of Arc. Depending upon what happens on Thursday; I will need the strength of a woman warrior to battle against cancer. I may need to remind myself more than once that instead of asking “How much time do I have left?” the better question may very well be, “What options do I have?” With this being said, I may be quiet for awhile for healing. I would appreciate your prayers.
“And who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this and for this very occasion?” Esther 4:14 Yes…for such a time as this.
There was a wonderful program on PBS Sunday evening - Winning By Living: One Cancer Story. 60 Minutes shared a hopeful story about how polio could possibly be the cure for cancer. Yes hope…and light in the face of the dark night of the soul.
And so I pray: God my Father, Christ my Lord, Holy Spirit creative force of the universe – hear my prayer: Draw me closer to You. Heal my infirmity, if not a cure then make it count.
Even so, Amen.