New vocabulary words. spoken.to.me. …by three different physicians. And icy hands grasp my heart and squeeze until I feel like I can no longer breathe. BREATHE.BREATHE. Take a breath…and don’t forget to exhale. Slowly. Wrap your head around this diagnosis…and your heart, don’t forget to include your heart…don’t forget to use your brain, your logic, your reason.
And don’t forget…it’s not just about you. YES it is just about me. What about husband? And daughter? And son? And mother? And brothers? And my job? AND…AND…AND…
How long does one sit on one’s Pity Pot before the call to action comes? How long do we wallow in self pity and muck and mire? Is the call to “fear not” different from the commercialized slogan of “no fear”?
Then Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead to the other side of the lake, while he sent the people away. After sending the people away, he went up a hill by himself to pray. When evening came, Jesus was there alone; and by this time the boat was far out in the lake, tossed about by the waves, because the wind was blowing against it.
Between three and six o'clock in the morning Jesus came to the disciples, walking on the water. When they saw him walking on the water, they were terrified. “It's a ghost!” they said, and screamed with fear.
Jesus spoke to them at once. “Courage!” he said. “It is
I. Don't be afraid!”
Then Peter spoke up. “Lord, if it is really you, order me to come out on the water to you.”
“Come!” answered Jesus. So Peter got out of the boat and started walking on the water to Jesus. But when he noticed the strong wind, he was afraid and started to sink down in the water. “Save me, Lord!” he cried.
At once Jesus reached out and grabbed hold of him and said, “What little faith you have! Why did you doubt?”
They both got into the boat, and the wind died down. Then the disciples in the boat worshiped Jesus. “Truly you are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.
Lord, Lord? I lift my hand to you, pull me from the muck and mire so that I, too, may claim “Truly you are the Son of God!” But… but… what happens in the absence of a cure? Does that mean you are not the Son of God? Or I am somehow not worthy of healing? Do I not have enough faith?
Author Sara Miles wrote, “Prayer is one of the deepest forms of relationship with God…and through relationship there can be healing in the absence of cure.”
The saga has begun. Surgery is scheduled for April 2nd. This Tuesday I will be having a pulmonary function test. Wednesday it is a PET scan. A positron emission tomography (PET) scan is an imaging test that allows doctors to check for disease in your body. The scan uses radioactive tracers in a special dye. These tracers are injected into a vein in your arm and are then absorbed by your organs and tissues.
I continue to learn. Learn about things in which I once held no interest. Learning is good. Learning is active participation.
Here is the most important thing I’ve learned thus far: Have a good network of persons who will be your prayer warriors. And I do.
There have been occasions when I have been one of many who had prayed for persons and they have said, "I could literally 'feel' your prayers." I thought that was 'hooey', but just this morning I was overcome with such a sense of calm & peace... I know, that I know, that I know - this is the power of prayer!
I can say with confidence, I am not afraid. That does not mean that at some point I will not waver when entering that tube for the PET scan, or laying on a surgical table find that my heart is pounding faster. What I know is this - God's got this and I am asking God to “make it count.” Indeed, Abba, Father, “make it count.”
From this point forward, my posts maybe fewer. Since the end of January, I’ve had 14 medical/testing appointments. I share this not to gain your pity or sympathy, but as you think of me, please pray. Pray for God’s will. Pray that this entire event will have counted in the scope of eternity. Pray that I am able to Praise God through the storm…in spite of the storm.
I will leave you with a question: How just and righteous would God be if he only allowed “bad things” to happen to unbelievers? Perhaps he allows bad things to happen to believers so that others may see a bit of His glory. I certainly did with my friend “B”. In the absence of healing, I pray to be a vessel like she was. I pray my vessel, my pot of clay is cracked…fractured, so that all the contents may overflow, be spilled out and brush glimpses of glory to those who come into contact with it.
Even so, Amen.