To My Son... In Prison

To My Son...

                          In Prison

               There is comfort tonight

knowing you have a place to lay your head, food to eat,

not telling lies about your comings and goings,

the strange calls, people knocking at the door at all hours 

               Trying these past years to know you

to break through the barrier,

to love unconditionally,

accepting the person you have become,

hating that which I was unwilling  or afraid to admit 

I once tried to convince myself I had been given the wrong child 

at birth, that you belonged to some Amish couple of inter-relational 

relations but the evidence is overwhelming

I will miss your innocence and so will you

as you pass from one portal to another 

not having the luxury of touch 

nor the pleasure of scent but only the daily reminder 

of razor wire and what you forfeited for the sake of pleasure 

But for now

you have a place to lay your head, food to eat, no lies to share 

you will be older than you can imagine when you utter freedom 

I mourn

I grieve

and yet I love

~ tamara farner-swerline

Leaving a Legacy

Recently I began another blog.  It isn’t an open blog for just ‘everyone’.  It is quite private and for my children and possibly even my grandchildren.  I will leave the information for my children with all the other info for end of life.  It’s not for now, but for later. 

I call it, quite simply, Letters to my Children.  Frankly, life is terminal. Life is short. And often persons say, "if only I had known..." So I'm going to chronicle things I want to say to both of my children on this blog.

It is where I am attempting to write down those things I want them to know. Things they did when they were little, accomplishments that made me so proud and filled with awe.  About what a fierce love it is a mother has for their child.

It's about my feelings on mothering and perhaps even about being a grandmother.  For my son, quite possibly it will be about “how to treat a wife” or what to do vs. what not to do if you ever expect to get married and have it work.

I believe it was Bette Davis who said, “Old age ain’t for Sissies.” And as true as that is, parenting isn’t for sissies either.  It takes stamina, determination, love, discipline and prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer. And lots and lots of unconditional love!  Oh, and did I mention the tears? There are a lot of them, too! 

Susanna Wesley, mother of John and Charles (and eight other surviving children) was know to throw her apron over her head when things got a bit tense and her children would quite down, knowing that she was before the Lord in prayer.  

Years ago, we had neighbors who struggled with infertility.  I received a letter from Catholic Adoption Services questioning me on how I felt they would be as parents.  I believe I wrote them a letter of epic proportion!   

I indicated to the agency that I too, had been an adopted child, albeit through private arrangements and family ties.  My adoptive parents didn’t have to go through the rigors of questions such as this.  Persons who easily conceive and give birth are not subjected to such questions.  Some of the aforementioned groups should not have children as evidenced by statistics on child abuse and exploitation.  But that’s another blog for another time.

I often wonder what memories my children hold of growing up.  I hope they have more good memories than bad ones.  I hope they can focus on the good and not on the bad.  We had days of plenty and then we had the lean times.  Sometimes I miss the lean times as I think we were closer then.  Struggling, yes, but for the common good of  F::A::M::I::L::Y. 

We weren’t church goers until our son and daughter were 4 and 14, respectively.  Yes… there’s an almost 10-year difference in their ages.  (God knew my limitations!) 

Then, more often than naught, we would align ourselves with these small little churches that had an elderly population and no children’s programs.  Looking back, that was wrong of us.  We should have sought out churches that could minister to our children and include them in worship. 

And so, this is where I’ve been lately: jotting down memories and treasures that I hope one day will be read by my children and their children. 

Proverbs 31:25-27 (NKJ)

²⁵ Strength and honor are her clothing;
She shall rejoice in time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
²⁷ She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Tamara

Stones of Remembrance - redoux!

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:  Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)

I think perhaps this title should have been reserved for my husband's bout with kidney stones!  I'm sure he'd rather forget than to remember all the pain and discomfort he's been experiencing.

On Wednesday, he had a procedure where one of the stones was manually extracted / crushed and a stent was placed.  He experienced a lot of pain and couldn't or wouldn't be released from the out patient clinic until he had been able to 'go potty.'  This process began at 5:30 a.m. and we were there until 3:00 p.m.

The doctor came to the surgical waiting room and spoke with me after the procedure. Basically he told me he had crushed and removed most of the 7 mm kidney stone. Then a stent was placed from his kidney to his bladder. The doctor told me how to remove the stent on Friday.  WHAT??? YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT???  YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT???

In the mean time, Dennis was taking his pain medication every six hours.  We stayed in Tucson an extra day, just in case we needed to return to the hospital, then returned home Thursday afternoon / early evening.  Early on Friday morning, I called our local family doctor and scheduled an appointment. The soonest one could be had was at 3:50 p.m.  By noon, Dennis asked me to try and remove the stent as he was having such discomfort.  PANIC!!!   I am not a medical professional and I believe some things should not be tried at home! 

I washed my hands as if preparing for a surgical theater, then removed the tape holding the surgical thread in place, wrapped the thread around my first three fingers and did exactly as the doctor had described - pulled firmly out.  VIOLA!   Just a smooth as could be the stent came out and Dennis experienced immediate relief.  Short lived, but relief for the moment!

Just so you know, I have no illusions or delusions of entering the medical field - it is a wise person who knows their limitations!

When we were married 33 years ago and we wrote our own vows, but incorporated the 'for better / for worse' portion of the traditional marriage ceremony.  Thus far we've seen:

for better for worse

for richer for poorer

in sickness and in health

And he's seen me through 'thick and thin' too!  Yes, it's true... I've expanded my horizons.

Marriage, it's not for sissies or the self absorbed.  In all honesty, there have been times I've wanted to 'opt out', walk away, sometimes run and never return.  But the truth of the matter is this:  Love is not a feeling.  It is an act of volition.  I can think of no one else I would want to be there with me at the end of my life. To hold my hand, to utter prayers on my behalf or vice versa.

I don't think young persons today understand that there are seasons to marriage, such as there are seasons to life.  It starts out with all the passion and emotions of new love, but eventually that takes a step back and the season of nurturing children and making a living comes to the forefront. Oh, there's still the flicker of the flame of passion, but not like in the beginning.  Seasons change.  Priorities change. And the love that began seems so superficial now in comparison to the deeper, richer relationship that has grown over the course of years.

Forgiveness, respect and a good sense of humor are a big part of the marriage relationship, too.  We've learned to not use each other as the brunt of jokes for others amusement.  We each have our own set of emotions the other cannot experience or fathom. We are different - male and female and we feel things differently. That does not mean that one is more superior than another, merely different.

And so it goes... the good, the bad, and the ugly!  For better, for worse... for richer, for poorer... in sickness and in health... until death do we part!  Oh yes, thick and thin, too.

Today's Devotional

TODAY’S VERSE
“Who may worship in your sanctuary, Lord? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts. Those who refuse to gossip or harm their neighbors or speak evil of their friends.”
Psalms 15:1-3

“If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.”
James 1:26

TODAY’S THOUGHT
The Lord puts a premium on what we say. James warns us, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

David makes a list of the qualities of a holy life and includes speaking the truth, refusing gossip and not speaking evil of others. It is so easy to let what we say get out of hand. We say Jesus is the “Lord of our life.” Jesus would ask, “Am I the Lord of your tongue?” Today, give God control of your words. Make a conscious effort to weigh what you say in order to honor Him. James said it best when he wrote, “be quick to listen and slow to speak.”

TODAY’S PRAYER
Lord, I give you control of my tongue. Please help me guard my mouth today. Help me be quick to listen to others and slow to speak. May I remember that I have two ears, but only one mouth.  Help me weigh carefully everything I say that I may be a testimony of your love and grace. In Jesus Name ~Amen!

~Tamara