Neighborhood Tragedy

It was a heart wrenching weekend in our subdivision Saturday. I was fixing dinner at approximately 4:00 pm when I heard sirens up close and personal. Husband was out running some errands, so I thought perhaps he had been accosted for making a turn without indicating (he’s been known to do this on occasion).  

When I went outside the door to have a look, a police officer was setting up traffic cones to prohibit travel on our street.  This was just to the east of our home.

As I approached the street I saw the neighbor’s house across the street  and two doors down fully engulfed in flames. The police were there in force setting up perimeters, the emergency medical personal, but the fire department (all volunteer, mind you) had not yet arrived. We could hear the sirens wailing in the distance.

I went back into the house, turned off the stove and joined my neighbors.  Two doors down, our neighbor had the mother and two children in her home. So many tears and so much sorrow as the mother watched her home being consumed by flame. The young daughter’s concern was pets left inside the home… but the family, the mother and children were safely outside the burning home.

The firefighters arrived and began in earnest their attempt to extinguish the blazing home. A hydrant was close at hand and they hooked up and began to hose down the exterior and the garage that was open and spewing flames as if it were a dragon’s lair.

Where the fire damaged the roof

Once some ground had been gained, several firefighters climbed to the roof and began the arduous task of inspecting it for ‘hot spots’ each of them using a long pole.  After they climbed back down, portions of the roof burst into flames. Next we heard a horrific explosion and the vehicle parked in the driveway burst into flame.

Our street was awash with not only the emergency responders, but the” lookie-loos” who come to watch the unfolding tragedy. Those, the curious, the sight seers.

The garage, where it appears the fire started

The father showed up and approached his wife asking for clarification on “how could this happen?”  All in all, it was an unpleasant exchange and my heart broke for this wife in the anger the husband expressed over the happening situation. 

Lea from My Letters to Emily wrote of her state’s devastating tornadoes from this past week. She pondered the ago old question of “why”…  Why, indeed.

It is always amazing to watch, see and hear a person’s response to tragedy and the “why” of it all.

The vehicle that was destroyed

Please pray for this family as they are brought to mind. Pray they are able to recover and that this tragedy does not destroy their family unit.

 Simply yours,

Tamara

II Corinthians 1:3-5The Message 

The Rescue

^3-5 All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

To My Son... In Prison

To My Son...

                          In Prison

               There is comfort tonight

knowing you have a place to lay your head, food to eat,

not telling lies about your comings and goings,

the strange calls, people knocking at the door at all hours 

               Trying these past years to know you

to break through the barrier,

to love unconditionally,

accepting the person you have become,

hating that which I was unwilling  or afraid to admit 

I once tried to convince myself I had been given the wrong child 

at birth, that you belonged to some Amish couple of inter-relational 

relations but the evidence is overwhelming

I will miss your innocence and so will you

as you pass from one portal to another 

not having the luxury of touch 

nor the pleasure of scent but only the daily reminder 

of razor wire and what you forfeited for the sake of pleasure 

But for now

you have a place to lay your head, food to eat, no lies to share 

you will be older than you can imagine when you utter freedom 

I mourn

I grieve

and yet I love

~ tamara farner-swerline

Just Another Update

This has been a difficult year…  

And this is not always due to our actual decisions and actions but in watching life in its oddity played out in the lives of others. This is especially true when it is the lives of family members. All too often it is due to wrong choices being made and then having to live with the consequences of those actions. It is addiction. It is selfishness. It is the Un-holy Trinity of Me, Myself and I.

Initially, I was so optimistic about the beginning of 2012 but right out of the gate the dismal downward spiral began. It is so difficult to sit back and watch self-destructive behaviors without getting stuck in the mire yourself. Even though I have been watching from the sidelines, cheering during the good times then contrite, even despondent during the difficult times, I am resolute about not being my son’s enabler.

He is in jail for the second time this year and is awaiting sentencing...

The wretched part of this is watching what it is doing to my spouse and the depression that overwhelms him at times. There are times when we cannot even articulate our pain to one another.

Sometimes we sit in silence as if we are in mourning, for surely we are. We are sitting Shiva for a life that purposely denied its own potential and possibility.

When we find the words we speak of anger, of hurt, of disappointment. We speak of an unfinished life that held the seed of promise.

We know and we agree that he can never come home again. Oh, he can come to visit, but he cannot come here to live. He is thirty-two now and we have been dealing with this since he was fifteen.  We are weary.

We agree our focus must now be the grandchildren he is leaving in his wake.

I wonder about this pilgrimage that God has placed before us.

Not unlike walking the Camino de Santiago, we must firmly place one foot in front of the other and move purposely forward even when our feet are blistered and bloody. Perhaps what we are struggling with is the “why” of this pilgrimage. Why are we on this walk? Where exactly is it leading us? Are we approaching a fork in the road where we have to make a choice or definitive decision? Is this a proving ground of sorts? What are we to be learning from this experience?

I often wonder if there are other families who struggle with the wrong decisions their own children or family members have made and have ended up in prison. Is there the possibility of establishing a Support Group so we could draw upon the strengths of each other and in wisdom and love lead others to not make the mistakes we have made?

But in the meantime…

I began an online class to learn Desktop Publishing. Next I plan on a creative writing class. I fill my days with the routine of work that keeps me focused and sane. I have daily devotions and readings. I wonder if my prayers only make it to the ceiling and go no further. Surprisingly, I am finding solace in silence.  That somehow reminds me of the Simon & Garfunkel song Sounds of Silence:

Hello darkness, my old friend

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision that was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone

‘Neath the halo of a street lamp

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Then thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never shared

No one dared

Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools”, said I, “You do not know

Silence like a cancer grows

Hear my words that I might teach you

Take my arms that I might reach you”

But my words, like silent raindrops fell

And echoed

In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made

And sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming

And the sign said, “The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls”

And whispered the sounds of silence

Funny, isn’t it, how one thing leads to another? This very song was one I sang as a lullaby for my daughter. Wasn't that just yesterday? Where did I lose my autoharp? When did I lose my voice?

My daughter, the strong, independent woman whom I birthed has become a magnificent person in her own right.

What can we learn from pain?  

We only need to ask the new mother about the pain that births beauty.

I am seeking beauty and wisdom from this process, even if that requires my brokenness.

Until next time,

Tamara

XOXO

P.S.  Blessed are those who find wisdom, those who gain understanding.

Silent Sunday

~Silent Sunday

Comfort Ye

One of our society’s newest clichés is, “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”  I don’t believe this. We have only to ask… 

• the survivor of a concentration camp
• the parent who has made funeral arrangements for a child
• the battered and abused child / woman / person
• the burn victim with horrible disfigurement
• the veteran who has returned home, yet suffers with post traumatic stress disorder
• the homeless person
• the survivor of a natural disaster
• the stay-at-home mother whose husband has walked out on her and their small children
• the husband who returns from work to find his wife has walked out on him and their children
• the person who has suffered atrocities due to conflict and war
• the family members of an addict 

Life is painful. We may survive. In some cases we may even thrive. But often there is brokenness left in the wake of personal disaster.  Today I  find comfort in the Psalms. 

Psalm 34:18
Common English Bible

18 The LORD is close
to the brokenhearted;
he saves those whose spirits
 are crushed.

Psalm 51:17
Common English Bible 

17 A broken spirit is my sacrifice, God.
You won’t despise a heart, God,
that is broken and crushed.

Psalm 147:3
Common English Bible 

3 God heals the brokenhearted
and bandages their wounds

Tamara

Slow Dancing

Have you ever noticed that as you hold a baby, you instinctively started to sway?  It’s a slow dance of sorts, one in which we sway to the rhythm of love.  This sway happens with babies because it calms, soothes and comforts them.  It is an instinctive move, built into the very core of our being. 

I wonder how many times in a given day God would like to rush down, snatch us up, and sway with us to the rhythm of His heart, of His love.  How often would God like to break through all the other voices and noises in our lives to reassure us that we’re OK?  We’re going to make it.  We’re loved.  We’re cared for.  We’re not alone…  

I’ve noticed this same swaying rhythmic dance when I’m hurting – either an actual physical hurt or an emotional hurt.  Tears can be streaming down my face and I am rocking, rocking, rocking…  My conversations with God at times like this are more of a rant rather than a prayer.   

Whether you feel, or think, or believe you are not worthy of God’s love doesn’t matter.  You can’t change His love.  You are the beloved of God.  Nothing you do, say, or choose can change God’s love.  Nothing — not time, not death, not life, not culture, evil, good — can change who you are.  You are the beloved of God.  

We can try to fill our lives with other loves, other ‘things’, and worldly distractions but it is as St. Augustine said, our hearts are restless until they rest in God.  We will always be out of step, out of sway, until we know and live as people who are truly loved by God. 

It’s been a rather difficult several weeks for our family, for our extended family.  We are hurting.  We are hurting for the poor choices that have been made. For the all too familiar past that has been repeated and for the consequences that have inevitably followed.  Our son is in jail.  This is due to his poor choices, his lies, his behavior and his lack of discipline.  He has lost his job and his family. 

For half his life, he has been defiant and has had run-ins with the law.  He's an addict and Meth is his drug of choice.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am trying to find within my being the capacity for forgiveness… yet again.  My biggest concern is the children he is leaving in his wake. 

I struggle with how transparent I wish or want to be with this blog.  How much should I or will I share.  I do not wish to come across as Saint Tamara the Pious because I struggle with the day-to-day issues.  I struggle with the hurts of having a rebellious son who just seems to be caught up in a Peter Pan syndrome and refuses to grow up. 

Yet try as I might, I have difficulty realizing the choices he makes are just that – his choices and his decisions.  Inevitably they will be his regrets.  For now, I have to back away from this situation.  That sounds cold, doesn’t it? 

So my prayer for now, for today is that the God of all comfort will envelope me, my husband, our son and those he has left in his wake and sway with us in the rhythm of His love.

Did you notice the new background design - a quilt.  A "comforter"... comfort from the Comforter.  I so need to be surrounded and wrapped in His love, His grace, and His comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3
Common English Bible

3 May the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ be blessed! He is the compassionate Father and God of all comfort.

Today's Devotional

TODAY’S VERSE
“He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, ‘Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?’ They were terrified and asked each other, ‘Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!’”
Mark 4:39-41

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
John 14:27

TODAY’S THOUGHT
I've never been on a stormy sea. I can only imagine how fierce the storm must have been. Here are seasoned fishermen and they were afraid. Now it didn’t help that they were going across the lake. The deep part of the lake in the center regions was referred to as the “abyss.” Many frightening fishermen stories were based on journeying into the abyss. Add to that the fact that they left in the evening. It was dark! Finally, they were going to the “other side”. Everyone knew what the “other side” was. It was where that horrific demon processed person lived in the caves. Jesus knew where they were going and fell asleep on the back of the boat. The storm was fast, furious and fierce and they cried out to Jesus. What they saw happen next was shocking to them, and they had seen healing miracles! Jesus stood and commanded the sea to be still! And it did. Now I don’t know about storms on the sea, but I know about storms inside the “sea” of my mind. There is an abyss, there is an “other side” that frightens all of us. Dread, fear, worry, remorse, addictions, obsessive thinking; it seems that our ship is going to sink. When you feel all is lost, do what the disciples did — cry out to Jesus. Name your fear, tell Him exactly what it is that you dread; be specific with your doubts. This same Jesus that said to the sea, “Be still” says to you, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

TODAY’S PRAYER
Dear Jesus, you calmed the sea, please calm my troubled heart with the peace only you can give. I take the horrific storms of my life and submit them to your command. You say, “peace be still” so I choose not to be troubled or afraid.
~Tamara