The Prayers of a Child

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake…

If I should die before I wake?  If I should die before I wake?  What a scary, frightening prayer for a child!  Yet this is an all too true statement for children who are victims of custodial / parental abuse; the children who were or are being threatened with, “If you tell anyone about this, I will kill you.”  In a scenario such as this that prayer has become all too real and all too frightening. 

If and when the child does make the effort to tell someone, often they are not believed.  I know this on a personal level. At the young and tender age of nine I learned a valuable lesson about the old adage of “damned if you do and damned if you don’t”.  One must remember the year was 1961 and families, communities and generally John Q. Public didn’t speak of such things let alone discuss them publically.  

Current statistics say that one out of every three to four girls has been sexually assaulted by the age of 18. One boy out of every six will be abused by the age of 18.  

* Although we have some reports and convictions to base these statistics on, they are actually not accurate. So many cases of child molestation go unreported each year, so we really cannot estimate the real numbers. The FBI reports that the National Institute for Mental Health found that only 1% to 10% of victims ever tell that they were abused. Boys report far less than girls. 

• The average child molester will molest fifty girls before being caught and convicted. 
• A child molester that seeks out boys will molest 150 boys before being caught and convicted and he will commit at least 280 sexual crimes in his lifetime.
• The standard pedophile will commit 117 sexual crimes in their lifetime.
• Most sexual abuse happens between the ages of 7 and 13.
• There are over 491,720 registered sex offenders in the United States.
• 80,000 to 100,000 of the above offenders are missing.
• Molesters known by the family or victim are the most common abusers. The “Acquaintance Molester” accounts for 70-90% of reported cases.

* Statistics from http://childsafetips.abouttips.com/child-molestation-statistics.php

This website also defines Child Molestation and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the common “signs” of childhood sexual abuse.

My constant companion since I can remember had been guilt, depression and low self esteem.  It wasn’t until I was in my forties that I was formally diagnosed with clinical depression. 

For years I felt victimized until I read an article about situations such as these.  I more than likely was not the only victim of this person and it was not against me personally.  Crimes such as these are based upon power and control.  Somewhere, somehow I developed the mentality that “you can be a victim once, but the next time you become a willing volunteer.” 

I remember anger at God for allowing this to happen, especially since this person was a deacon in our church.  I raged against God (and society) during my tumultuous teen years.  Certainly there was no God if things like this are allowed to happen to children, I reasoned.

Through all of this the miracle was that God was calling me, speaking to me, drawing me into a deep and profound relationship with Him.  He had a lot of filth and crust to penetrate, but He did it ever so gently, peeling back the layers as if they were the skin of an onion.  He somehow taught me to recognize those who also had been abused and victimized as children and more importantly, to reach out to them.

Then the Lord was faithful to forgive me and to show me how to forgive others, even the perpetrator of these crimes.  I learned that forgiveness is not for them, but for the victim.  What we call “The Lord’s Prayer” in Matthew chapter six, verses 9 – 15 reads as such:

9 In this manner, therefore, pray:

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.

10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.

For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

14 “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

~the New King James Version 

For years I ignored verses 14 & 15.  Later in Matthew 18, verse 6 we read: 

6But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

~also from the New King James Version 

Forgiveness is my act of obedience.  Judgment belongs to God.

I often struggle with how much do I or should I share on this blog?  How transparent do I want to be?  Or maybe this issue is how exposed do I want to be?  Some of you may be offended by the subject of this blog.  That is your choice.  I am merely sharing the amazing grace of God.  I, after all, am the Wretch the song is about. 

Tamara

Cataracts of the Soul

Last Wednesday I had cataract surgery on my right eye. I was frightened at the thought of someone messing with my eye.  This even though I did all the research and knew this procedure to be highly successful.  I was, however, to the point where my vision was such that I could no longer read for even small periods of time.

Reinventing Ourselves

I read Rebecca’s blog at Life & Godliness the other day.  They were talking about ‘when I became “Rebecca” instead of “Becky”.’  I couldn’t comment as I’ve been having some difficulty doing that with Blogger of late.  I did think it might be an interesting topic.

 

For most of my ‘young’ life, I was Tammy.  My family and friends from school still call me that.  It sounds almost foreign now when someone calls me Tammy.  I even correct people when they try to call me Tammy.  You see, I reinvented myself at the age of 23.  No more “Tammy” but my given name of “Tamara” would be my preference.  (I’ve learned that no matter how many times someone reinvents themselves, their name will still be mispronounced!)  My name is Tamara – pronounced like camera, not Ta·MARE·a, not Ta·MAR·a.

Where Is My Friend

I find it amusing when I have memories from “back in the day” and then for the life of me I cannot recall what even made me think of the specific event.  I do however, recall the trigger for this memory: an old song by Helen Reddy – “Where Is My Friend”.

Thoughts and Questions

The agency I work for has carried out the executions of four death row inmates this past year. What is the Christian response to the law, criminal justice and Capital Punishment? Then I ask myself the proverbial question, “What would Jesus do?”

Community & Church

I previously posted one of my favorite quotations by Mahatma Gandhi regarding faith, community and politics:

"A religion that takes no account of practical affairs and does not help to solve them is no religion."

And so I ask:

What is the church doing for those in need inside their own walls?
What is the church doing in and for the local community? 
What is the church doing for the world community?

We can and often do reach out to fill the spiritual needs of people, but what about the physical needs of food, clothing, housing?  Or merely spending time with persons who have begun attending our church or who have moved into our community or neighborhood?

Next, I need to take it to a more personal level and ask myself the above questions:

What am I doing for those in need at the church?
What am I doing for my local community?
What am I doing for the world community?

Oh, I may piously sit back and say, "well, I support ministry XYZ with a monthly financial contribution..." but is that enough?  Is that enough to quell the Spirit in my soul that begs for more?  And not necessarily money, but that of time and actually of getting my hands dirty?

In Luke 6, right after the Beatitudes, we are commanded to 'love our enemies'.  It is hard enough to love those who are like-minded, but our enemies?  Really?

Beginning in Luke 6 verse 27:

27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.

32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Now wait a minute? Does this mean the woman who seeks an abortion?  Does this mean the homosexual?  Does this mean the Muslim?  Yes, it does.  Does this mean we turn our back to sin?  Of course not.  What it means is that we respond as Christ did. In and with love.  Even though the end of this reference speaks of reward, that is not the motivation to perform such acts. We do these acts, these charities because all persons are created in the image of God - not just the Christian.  Being a Christian, proclaiming to be a Christian is not an elitist club or membership.

Today's post is meant for me.  For me to be able to sort through all the religious acts of piety and become a 'verb' - an action word.  It is one thing to know this and quite another to live it.

There are certain things I know quite well about myself.  I have a creative streak, a gift, if you will.  I can conceive some wonderful ideas and plans, but in carrying them out?  Not so good.  Am I able to convey this vision to others and perhaps they can carry them out?  That remains to be seen.

So this I pray:

Abba, Father... help me to see all mankind as created in Your image.  ~Amen!

because we're His,

Tamara

ps... in accordance with verse 30... to the Christian woman who borrowed my book Zipporah and then sold it in her yard sale.  Consider it yours.  I release you and my feeling of shock, awe, hurt and disappointment!  Note to self:  Don't go to yard sales of persons you know or have lent something to. Then don't be angry with yourself for not saying something.  In the scope of eternity, is it worth it?

Cha-cha-cha-changes!

Have you noticed how often I change the backgrounds to this blog?  I get it to a point then think perhaps I'll tweak it a bit, then end up scrapping the whole thing for something new.  I suppose it is a lot like dressing each day.  A different day, a different outfit.  For now, for this moment in time - I have selected Black & White!

In my line of work (state service) we have a number of policies and procedures.  They are to help guide us and to keep us from doing something that would cause embarrassment or even criminal charges.  There are a number of them and if placed end to end with the Bible, I'm sure it would exceed the number of words in the Word of God.  

Some people find the policies and procedures restrictive and consider them to be "suggestions" rather than what they were intended for.  I happen to like policy and procedure - everything in 'black & white' - no grey areas.  And it is available to all employees.

Like the Word of God, however, you have to read them to know them.  That is time consuming.  All too often we hear, "But I didn't know that was in policy!"  Does that excuse the infraction?  By no means.  Sometimes employees have even been dismissed due to the severity of their actions. 

The wonderful part of God's Word and work is Grace.  The marvelous Grace that that attends our soul.  That is not to say that we do not have to suffer the consequences of our actions or our non action.  It merely means that we can be forgiven and then covered with a mantel of Grace.  Grace, however, is no license for continued defiance against the Word of God.  This makes me think of the old hymn "Wonderful Grace of Jesus" which is now swirling about my head in four-part harmony!

Wonderful grace of Jesus,

Greater than all my sin;
How shall my tongue describe it,
Where shall its praise begin?
Taking away my burden,
Setting my spirit free;
For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Refrain

Wonderful the matchless grace of Jesus,
Deeper than the mighty rolling sea;
Wonderful grace, all sufficient for me, for even me.
Broader than the scope of my transgressions,
Greater far than all my sin and shame,
O magnify the precious Name of Jesus.
Praise His Name!

Wonderful grace of Jesus,
Reaching to all the lost,
By it I have been pardoned,
Saved to the uttermost,
Chains have been torn asunder,
Giving me liberty;
For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Refrain

Wonderful grace of Jesus,
Reaching the most defiled,
By its transforming power,
Making him God’s dear child,
Purchasing peace and heaven,
For all eternity;
And the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.

Refrain

This hymn was written by Haldor Lillenas in 1918.

So there it is the reason I am in Black & White today.  And maybe for tomorrow, and the next day...

May your day be blessed,

Tamara

Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)
28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Reign on Me

But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 

John 14:26 (NIV)

What is the most important thing about the Holy Spirit?

Power?
Tongues?
Gifts?

I think it is Fellowship. Communing with the Saints.

In my humble opinion, fellowship is the deepest work of God’s Spirit. It is the Spirit of God drawing all of us all of the time into a common life with one another.

The central work of God’s Spirit is that of creating community.

It is also the first thing that I run from when I am ‘out of sorts,’ falling into depression, separated from God because of my willful and stubborn heart.

At times, my life feels so disorganized. It seems as if everything around me is piling up. It’s not just the drawers that need reorganizing, the kitchen or my desk that needs cleaning, or the heap of stuff in the garage that needs sorting—it’s everything: my daily schedule crammed full of tasks, my house crying out for a major cleaning, my office with the overflowing in box and stack of items for filing— even my relationships are disorganized. I feel disjointed, out of control, out of touch, separated from God and those whom I love and fellowship with.

Abba, Father – bring order into my chaos. Help me sort through all the things around me.

Help me see what needs to be kept,
what needs to be thrown away,
and what needs to be changed. . . .

O Holy Spirit, even as I say this, I feel fear. I know that things need to change. I know, deep in my heart, that my life’s disorganization is symptomatic of a deeper disorganization.

I need your gentle breath to blow through my spiritual life. I need your strong wind to sort through the stacks of issues I don’t want to face. I need your quiet presence as I deal with the unspoken prayers, the unfulfilled desires, the unrecognized emotions I have hidden away.

Holy Spirit come now, in this moment, and in the recesses of my heart, begin the process of organization. Begin to sweep out the dark corners, sift through the crammed closets, and blow through all my dark places of my spirit. May You blow through my life every day. Through Your power, bring order into all the chaos around me. ~Amen.

because we’re His,

Hoarding

James 5:15-17 (NIV ©2011)

15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Have you ever watched any of the “Hoarder” programs on television? I have and I find them disturbing and somehow fascinating at the same time. Each time I watch a program like this I determine that I am going to minimize, down-size, and give-away those things that are cluttering up my life and home.  At least annually we have a Yard Sale.  I've been known to look at something I've placed in the sale and 'take it back'.

What strikes me about the program is how the person who is being focused on has trouble seeing their hoarding as a problem and will rationalize that the items may be needed at some point in time. Generally there has been some catastrophic event in their life that has caused them to go a tad bit 'over the edge' with regard to collecting (read hoarding here) items.

On one such program the person of interest eventually became so belligerent, she sent the organizing/cleaning crew away. She was actually keeping chickens in her living area, a lot of them and a number of them were dead. I was mortified by what I was witnessing on this program! How could someone possibly live their life in this manner?

Later, as I was reflecting on this program, God moved my heart into the realization of the things (read sin here) that I am quietly hoarding away and allowing to pile up in the quite recesses of my soul. I wonder if He ever wonders how someone could possibly live like this… Yes, the seven deadly sins are alive and well and being hoarded in my spirit. So what to do? Confess. Repent. And find someone I can trust and become accountable to and with.

My Prayer:

Abba, Father, hear my prayer. Forgive me the many sins I commit. Forgive me those sins of omission. Help me to purge, eliminate and clean up my life. Help me to rid my spirit and my soul of all the debris I have willing collected. Guide and direct my steps this day. In Jesus’ name I pray ~AMEN!

Yours, because we’re His,

Today's Devotional

TODAY’S VERSE
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you.”’
II Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

TODAY’S THOUGHT
I never get use to God’s grace! Grace is God’s “unmerited favor” towards us who believe. In other words, He lavishes His love on you and me for no other reason than He “wants to”. His love is a perfect love. God’s grace is His purposeful manifestation of perfect love toward us. Paul came upon a tremendous burden in his life and he sought relief from God but he ended up getting so much more. He received grace from God that was sufficient to meet his every need.

I once viewed a PBS program that was titled “Amazing Grace” and hosted by Bill Moyers. They traveled all over the United States asking people to sing the song for them and to describe what grace meant to them. It was so interesting to see and hear all the variations of the song in all the different geographical locations. I once was privileged to attend a prison service for a Christian inmate who had passed on. The inmates sang “Amazing Grace” as I’ve never heard it before and in such beautiful harmony. Recently I saw a Christian Tee Shirt that merely stated, “I am the wretch in the song.” I considered purchasing it.

Today may you be conscious of His grace toward you. May you sense it in His attention, mercy, peace, strength and love that He directs toward you. Today, may you truly hope in this and His grace will indeed be sufficient for what ever will come your way.

TODAY’S PRAYER
Father, how amazing is Your grace! Thank You that no matter what comes my way today, You promised that Your grace toward me will be sufficient enough to see me through. Thank You for your grace of love, of forgiveness, of mercy, of peace, of joy, of strength and of provision. I praise You for You are truly gracious toward me. ~Amen!

Yours, because we're His,

Tamara